Family therapy can be for your family of origin or the extended family - if you want better relationships with your siblings, parents, cousins or other members ….
Family therapy is also for you and the family you created together with your partner and want an honest and authentic relationship with your children.
For you who would like to open up, share and invite others to share loss, grief, joy, happiness..
Family therapy can be beneficial regardless of your kids age because every period can have it's specific challenges:
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for new parents with small children,
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for the challenges when your kids become teenagers,
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for parents together with adult children that want to move or already moved from home
When a family member is not doing well, then the whole family is affected. In practice this means that, if f eg. a parent is stressed or has a life crises, even if no one else in the family knows that everyone can feel it, both the kids and the other parent (they can see it in the way the parent behaves, reacts and interacts with the rest of the family).
WHAT CAN YOU GET FROM FAMILY THERAPY
Here are only some benefits:
- a so called "family - check" - how do we feel in this family, how it is to be a member of this family
- the possibility to learn to talk about difficult things, emotions and experiences that hurt
- the opportunity to manage negative conflicts in a different way
- training to pay more attention on the "how" you do things
- learning to integrate the differences of experience and emotions when being together - we can have a different experience of the same situation and still be together, we can have different needs and boundaries and still respect each other and be together.
- awareness regarding the transition from child to teenager - the grief proces that accompanies this transition - both for the children and for the parents.
- learning to repair and take responsibility for the past - especially helpfull for parents with grown up children and for grown up siblings.
- learning to talk and listen in a way where everyone feels seen and heard.
CHILDREN IN THE THERAPY ROOM - YES OR NO?
Usually we think that if we don't talk with our children about the difficult challenging situations that maybe don't directly concern them, then we protect them. Such situations can be - someone in the family died, the parents decided to divorce but don't have all the practical details yet, a sibling got a diagnose, a family member has a mental illness, etc.
It really has the opposite effect. Our children feel that something is wrong but don't have the ability to make sense of what they feel inside and to make the connection to what is going on outside. They can see that the parents are worried f eg, but they don't know why. The children themselves can feel fear, sadness, worry, but if no adult helps them to put into words what they might feel and make the connections, then the children are left alone with their feelings. Not knowing how to make sense of the situation, they often end up thinking that it is their fault.
In the therapy room the children get to experience that parents are helped to take responsibility for their own feelings/thoughts/actions and for the atmosphere in the family. As a result the children will relax and go back to being children. Children get the experience of being seen and taken seriously by another adult and that the parents get help to see the child.
Children are often symptoms of dysfunctional conflicts and interaction in the family. Bringing the children into the therapy room helps me observe the dynamics between all the members and direct the therapy towards what the parents need to change, learn, do differently, and, in that way, assume leadership and responsibility. The parents can train a different way of being in contact with their child, during the therapy session, here and now .
It's understandable that you, as a parent, can feel unsafe or cannot se the mening of coming to therapy together with your kid/kids.
The children don't have to come to every session. Many times it's enough with the first one and, if needed, the last one. We start together, we decide together what we are going to work on and then we do it only with the parents. Starting together gives the children the opportunity to see where and why the parents go to therapy, maybe demystify it.
The therapeutical proces is organized according to the needs of the family, children's age and other factors that make every family unique.
DIVORCED FAMILIES
Divorce is common these days. This can lead to overlooking what divorce means for both children and adults. No matter how well the parents work together, divorce means a loss - there is a need for space to be angry, sad, scared.
For the children - loss of the parents together and a family. The longing for the parents together, the longing for the other parent will always be there.
For the adults - loss of the family, of dreams for the future, of a partner.
It is even harder if the parents cannot talk to each other or there is a bad atmosphere and tension between them - it is traumatizing for the children to live in a war zone. The children can feel caught in between the two parents.
If you have made the decision, in the therapy room you can learn to talk to the children and to each other about the upcoming divorce.
If you are already divorced, then the parents can learn to talk to each other and with the children about what it is like for everyone to live with those living conditions.
If the couple has not yet made the decision, but is in the middle of the process - then the couple must work on it in couples therapy and only when they have made the decision, can the children be invited into the therapy room.
BONUS - PATCHWORK FAMILIES
Bonus families can be a complex puzzle of relationships.
Some things that characterize them are the following:
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Not everyone has a loving relationship with each other in the new family – the adults have chosen each other, but the children have chosen neither the new bonus parent nor their new siblings. Therefore, there may be different expectations of each other compared to a “regular” family.
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The new family is often built on grief, because the family is formed after a dissolved relationship, on a family that no longer exists, and dreams that have been lost. Therefore, loss and longing – especially for the children – will often be part of the picture.
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As an adult, you also have to relate to the former partner.
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As a child, you have to relate to the new bonus parent and their children.
As a bonus parent, you may be unsure at first about how to relate to your partner’s children. What can you really expect from the children? What role should you have? Can you set boundaries and educate them or is it only the other person who can do that?
If you don't have children yourself, it can be difficult as a partner to accept that the other person prioritizes their children. You can feel neglected or not prioritized, and it can be challenging to find your place. It can be easy to feel left out, especially when you are with your partner and their children.
What if you don't like each other's children? What happens when you have a child together? Then the complexity becomes even greater...
Being the partner with children, you can feel squeezed between your own children and the new partner, which can be difficult. You want to please everyone, but it's not always easy and, many times, it's not possible.
When you expect everyone to have a good time and enjoy themselves, it can be difficult to make room for those who don't. Sometimes you just want it to be cozy, and focus on fun activities together - but that doesn't mean everyone always has the same fun.
It is the responsibility of the adult to build a relationship with the children. It takes time because there is a complexity that ordinary families do not have. It requires respect for everyone's boundaries and the understanding that it might go in a slower pace in accepting the new family.
It is important to create space to talk about the complex living conditions and difficult relationships in the newly formed family. Family therapy can be a safe space where everyone can be seen and get help to express themselves, and understand how they feel in the new family.
FAMILY CHECK
You don't need to have a life crises in your family or to experience problems in order to come to a family-check. It is really about how we each feel in our family and how do we each experience the way we relate to each other. Like couple check-ins, family check-ins can be an opportunity to stop and give space to each member with what is going on in there lives here and now. It is also an opportunity for the children to learn that it is okay to talk about things in our family, that it is okay to be yourself, that you are of value to the family while everyone listens and gives space.
During family therapy, we may discover that the couple needs to deal with some challenges in the relationship without the children being present. So couple therapy can be part of the family therapy process. Read about couples therapy here.
PARENTAL COUNSELING - CHILDREN'S REACTIONS ARE AN INVITATION
In some situations parents need more guidance and concrete counseling regarding specific problematic issues. In this case, family therapy can be combined with counseling for parents. These situations can regard f eg:
- recurrent conflicts in the rush hours - typically in the morning when everybody is in a hurry to get to work/school, in the afternoon or when going to bed
- conflicts during family meals - about kids that don't want to eat or/and uncomfortable atmosphere
- difficulty to say no and situations when parents experience that the children don't listen
- conflicts between siblings
- looking at the families everyday life and structure - is it clear and predictable enough - which is important for all children, but especially for the children that have been diagnosed with ADHD or/and autism
- specific examples of communication.
FOR THE YOUNG PEOPLE (13-25) THAT EXPERIENCE ANXIETY AND/OR DEPRESSION AND ISOLATE THEMSELVES AT HOME DUE TO THAT AND THEIR FAMILIES
There are many young people (aged 13-25) that experience states of depression and/or anxiety and isolate themselves from the rest of the world in their room, at home. I have experienced that this can be a challenge for getting the right help, because it's nearly impossible for the young person to come to the
psychotherapist/psychologist.
If you are one of the families who have a young/teenager at home who struggles with coming/going out, then I can come home to you. Our first sessions can take place in your home, in order to start the therapy process, and then find out what kind of help you need as a family and how to get it. The result of it can be that your child can regain the energy, courage and strength to come to the therapy room.
You can book a free non-binding conversation, if you are in doubt and want to know more, by clicking on this button:
